PIRATE(DOG)S OF THE CARIBBEAN
(already in process)
Part II: Sea-Wolf
Larger than the cunning Coyote of the Briny Deep be the treacherous Sea-Wolf, a lone hunter who lurks beneath the waves, silently slipping ever closer to his prey, never betraying his presence, save perchance by the merest glimpse of his dorsal tail, bobbing in the tide. The next moment, a sudden splash, and the hapless prey is lost to a watery death.
Oh, no, wait, that's a Shark.
Well then, what is a Wolf?
Dear Lord, is that one RIGHT THERE?!?!?
Oh sure, he doesn't look scary in this aspect...
but what about HERE?!?!?!?
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| True fact: wolves are 90% scarier in winter. |
When once I saw this creature, I scarce could breathe, and my heart beat near out of my chest. I felt I never again could call myself sane. That once came many years ago, I do confess, on previous travels to the far-off land of Idaho:
Fearsome predators though they are, they can be bested upon occasion.
...especially by bite-sized prickle balls
(or humans with guns).
(or humans with guns).
They are still endangered: in 2012 there were only 58 wolves in Arizona.
and there are only three main population areas left in the whole United States.
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| Not cool, hunters. Not cool at all. |
Come on, who would want to kill these little whippersnappers?
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| Mama loves her pups. |
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| Little Blue Eyes wants to liiiiiiiiiiive! |
Beware: the fearsome Sea-wolf will send her pups as a lure to catch humans for dinner.
And if you think that's dangerously cute, dear Reader, I pray you not to read any farther...
It's not too late to stop reading!
Oh. Now it is.
Part III: Red Foxes Tell No Tales
Most Arizona foxes are Grey Foxes, though there are also Kit Foxes and Red Foxes. These secretive beasts practice the art of hypnotizing their prey with cuteness. If the unsuspecting victim does not actually run to the fox him(or her)self, the fox simply prances over and bites the poor prey to death with joy. Then they stretch themselves in the sun. Oh do they ever...
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| Ahhhhh..... niiiice streeeeetch. |
Here are some other Fox Fun Facts:
for example, a female fox is called a Vixen.
No no no, not like Santa's reindeer, Vixen!
Try again...
Non, ceci n'est pas un renard! Cette Vixen, c'est un "hair band."
(Kids, this is that "80s Big Hair" we talked about)
One more try...
Awwww, now that's cute.
You may also remember one of my favorite foxes, the Fantastic Mr. Fox.
(Take a break and see how the film was made: stop-motion like your Lego movies...)
Okay, back to real foxes... You know the ridiculous song, but foxes are much more interesting than that...
(Please memorize all these sounds immediately. There will be a quiz.)
Plus, they LOOOOOOOOOVE to play!
(Maybe we'll see these guys next door
one of these days)
Trampolines are great practice, because foxes pounce on their food too, especially if it's buried in the snow:
They also like to pounce on toys:
They are even sillier than our other foxes.
They like to play too...
...and eat strawberries for the first time...
...but some are not sure about baths yet.
One thing you can say about all foxes:
they never ever ever
(well, hardly ever)
give up their tails
(or their tales)
Luckily some will tell fox tail tales for them.
they never ever ever
(well, hardly ever)
give up their tails
Luckily some will tell fox tail tales for them.
Epilogue: A Triumvirate of Piratical Pooches, or Who is Eating Me?
Though they may appear by a trick of the light to be the same beast, the Wolf, Coyote and Fox are mere cousins. Please study the differences between wolves, coyotes and foxes before you head out to be eaten so you can be sure to curse your predator appropriately. There is nothing so offensive to a Sea-Wolf than in the midst of their eating to hear themselves called "Cursed Coyote" or to a Coyote of the Deep to be called a "Fox-Fiend."
First, as you head out to your doom, check for tracks with this handy guide:
Next, though it may not be foremost in your mind as you are being ripped limb-from-limb, please cease your screaming long enough to notice the size of your attacker's head and teeth:
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| L - R: Wolf, Coyote, Fox |
If still in doubt, perhaps note his ears and nose:
If you try to escape by climbing a tree, and the beast pursues you still,
you can say for certain that it is a fox who seeks to eat you.
(Yeah, try that, wolf or coyote!)
But other than that...
oh, you know what, by the time you figure it out, they will have eaten you,
so forget it and just read these instructions for surviving a wolf attack—
it pretty much works for all of them.
And thus ends the tedious-brief saga of the Pirate(Dog)s of the Desert Isle.
May you have learned its lessons well.
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