Dispatches from a Desert Isle: Pirate(Dog)s, Parts II and III

We now resume the fearsome tales of....

PIRATE(DOG)S OF THE CARIBBEAN
(already in process)


Part II: Sea-Wolf

Larger than the cunning Coyote of the Briny Deep be the treacherous Sea-Wolf, a lone hunter who lurks beneath the waves, silently slipping ever closer to his prey, never betraying his presence, save perchance by the merest glimpse of his dorsal tail, bobbing in the tide. The next moment, a sudden splash, and the hapless prey is lost to a watery death. 

Oh, no, wait, that's a Shark. 

Well then, what is a Wolf?

Dear Lord, is that one RIGHT THERE?!?!? 

Oh sure, he doesn't look scary in this aspect...

but what about HERE?!?!?!?

True fact: wolves are 90% scarier in winter.

When once I saw this creature, I scarce could breathe, and my heart beat near out of my chest. I felt I never again could call myself sane. That once came many years ago, I do confess, on previous travels to the far-off land of Idaho:

Fearsome predators though they are, they can be bested upon occasion.

...especially by bite-sized prickle balls
(or humans with guns).

They are still endangered: in 2012 there were only 58 wolves in Arizona.

and there are only three main population areas left in the whole United States. 

Not cool, hunters. Not cool at all.

Come on, who would want to kill these little whippersnappers?

Mama loves her pups.

Little Blue Eyes wants to liiiiiiiiiiive!

Hear his pack howl!

Beware: the fearsome Sea-wolf will send her pups as a lure to catch humans for dinner.

And if you think that's dangerously cute, dear Reader, I pray you not to read any farther...

It's not too late to stop reading!

Oh. Now it is.

Part III: Red Foxes Tell No Tales

Most Arizona foxes are Grey Foxes, though there are also Kit Foxes and Red Foxes. These secretive beasts practice the art of hypnotizing their prey with cuteness. If the unsuspecting victim does not actually run to the fox him(or her)self, the fox simply prances over and bites the poor prey to death with joy. Then they stretch themselves in the sun. Oh do they ever...

Ahhhhh..... niiiice streeeeetch.

Here are some other Fox Fun Facts: 

for example, a female fox is called a Vixen.

No no no, not like Santa's reindeer, Vixen! 

Try again...

Non, ceci n'est pas un renard! Cette Vixen, c'est un "hair band." 

(Kids, this is that "80s Big Hair" we talked about)

One more try...

Awwww, now that's cute.

You may also remember one of my favorite foxes, the Fantastic Mr. Fox. 

(Take a break and see how the film was made: stop-motion like your Lego movies...)

Okay, back to real foxes... You know the ridiculous song, but foxes are much more interesting than that...

(Please memorize all these sounds immediately. There will be a quiz.)

Plus, they LOOOOOOOOOVE to play!

(Maybe we'll see these guys next door 

one of these days)

Trampolines are great practice, because foxes pounce on their food too, especially if it's buried in the snow:

They also like to pounce on toys:

Fennec foxes
(who don't live in this Island), 

look a whole lot like some friends of yours...

Fennekin and Eevee!

They are even sillier than our other foxes.

They like to play too...

...and eat strawberries for the first time...

...but some are not sure about baths yet.

One thing you can say about all foxes:
they never ever ever
(well, hardly ever)
give up their tails 

(or their tales)
Luckily some will tell fox tail tales for them.

Epilogue: A Triumvirate of Piratical Pooches, or Who is Eating Me?

Though they may appear by a trick of the light to be the same beast, the Wolf, Coyote and Fox are mere cousins. Please study the differences between wolves, coyotes and foxes before you head out to be eaten so you can be sure to curse your predator appropriately. There is nothing so offensive to a Sea-Wolf than in the midst of their eating to hear themselves called "Cursed Coyote" or to a Coyote of the Deep to be called a "Fox-Fiend."

First, as you head out to your doom, check for tracks with this handy guide:

Next, though it may not be foremost in your mind as you are being ripped limb-from-limb, please cease your screaming long enough to notice the size of your attacker's head and teeth:

L - R: Wolf, Coyote, Fox

If still in doubt, perhaps note his ears and nose:

If you try to escape by climbing a tree, and the beast pursues you still, 

you can say for certain that it is a fox who seeks to eat you.

(Yeah, try that, wolf or coyote!)

But other than that... 

oh, you know what, by the time you figure it out, they will have eaten you, 

so forget it and just read these instructions for surviving a wolf attack—

it pretty much works for all of them.

And thus ends the tedious-brief saga of the Pirate(Dog)s of the Desert Isle.

May you have learned its lessons well.

Dispatches from a Desert Isle: the Place of Salvation

The Pilgrim's Oasis

In my travels across the isle, I came upon this most holy place 

and stopped in to soothe my troubled soul.

An angelic air beckoned me inside.

I strolled its corridors...

 

to its inner sanctum

and made bold to enter the edifice itself, a most beauteous adobe abode.

(Say that five times fast...ly)

Here is what I saw, walking from back to front:

the view from the altar window...

And at the altar, a graceful Madonna gazed down at me

as if in pity of my plight...

 

while devoted saints

both as icons...

...and depicted in perfect glass 

(here are two versions of St. Paul)

 

blessed me from their holy heights.

The transepts invited me on their own journeys of peace and harmony:

And as I turned from the altar, I turned to see the glorious organ that filled the hall

 with heavenly music
Can you hear it too?

I departed as in a dream, floating on that angelic air, 

transported to a better place, indeed transported to 

the cathedral of better days that I once spent with my loving family by my side...

Do you suppose this Eden really exists on the Island, 

ever to be discovered again,

or was it just a mirage

created by the heat and my own fevered soul?

A Long Digression: A Very Serious Post about Poop

Here it is, the post you've all been waiting for, a veritable

Poop-A-Go-Go

(For my young audience out there, never let it be said I did not pander to your interests.)

Hello my little Poopsies!

Let's start with a couple little bedtime stories that you already know:

Everybody Poops

by Taro Gomi

(translated by Amanda Mayer Stinchecum)

and our old favorite: 

The Story of the Little Mole

who knew it was none of his business

by Werner Holzwarth

illustrated by Wolf Erlbruch

It's nice to have someone read to us once in awhile, isn't it?

Next, why don't you get to know your scat with this handy chart:

and these faux-caca models:

But what are drawings and models compared to the real poop?
See how much you can tell about what these animals ate by the look of their poops.

Black bear poop.

(Poached salmon? 

I love poached salmon.)

More bear poop. 
This one obviously ate something totally different. A pumpkin?

Oh dear.

This one was listed as "Bigfoot Poop," but I'm pretty sure it's bear dung too. Don't want to guess what it ate.

Sheesh, bear!

Excuuuuuuuuuuuuse you!

Elephants' poop is really, really big.

Way bigger than bears' dung.

I can totally stack my poop. Can you?

You probably remember 

wombat poop is cubical,

which makes it weirdly interesting.

and of course there's the infamous owl pellet, full of bones:

Most people think—don't touch poop.

But not everyone feels that way. 

Like the lowly dung beetle.

True Fact.


Then there are these 
cuddly things.
(Oh, cuties!)

The disgusting fact is that chinchillas
(and rabbits)
eat their own poop.

Ew.












Turns out there's a reason
(not that it makes it any less gross)



As if that's not bad enough, some folks eat other folks' poop, and only they know why...

...and they're not telling.

Musical interlude:
Poop! Dung dung dung... what is it GOOD FOR? 
(Absolutely everything!)

You probably know lots of people use poop for fertilizer... 

but you may not know how else they use it.

Some people burn poop 
(usually cow "patties") for fuel...

...some make houses of poop...










...or just pose by it.

I dunno. I guess that could just be mud.

Others make art from it...


(Hey, Poopy Monkey!)
























...or art that looks like it.

Wow. That artwork really, really stinks.

There's also poop fashion...















and cuddly stuffed poop toys

But that's not all...

Civets eat coffee berries and poop them out, and then people make coffee out of it!

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!?

Yeah, I'm totally gonna go brew this up.

That poop-coffee is extra-expensive too!

Some poop is really valuable though...

This is whale poop, 

also known as Ambergris...

(people used to pretend it was whale vomit instead—not much better)

It's used to make perfume!

This is dried whale poop—apparently it's "waxy"...

I'll just take their word for that.

and this is the 8-year-old 
who found some dried whale poop 
and what happened to him...















So the next time you find something really nasty on the beach, please bring it home.
I'm serious.

You won't be surprised to find out some people get really excited about petrified and/or fossilized poop...

...but sometimes poop turns out not to be poop after all.

Ceci n'est pas un caca.

I guess that person was the butt of someone's joke. Ha ha ha!

Well, I've about reached the end of my poop knowledge now. 
Some may say this post really stinks, but I don't give a fart for their opinion—only yours—so let me know what you think.

Bonus educational experience:

(Apprendrez-vous les mots pour le caca, s.v.p., et déclarez de nouveau à moi):

and last but not least...
the real life version of Le Petit Taupe.

Bad Kitty!