Dispatches from a Desert Isle: Cholla-go-go!!

No one expects the Jumping Cholla! 

Its chief weapon is surprise, fear and surprise; two chief weapons, fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency! Er, among its chief weapons are: fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, and near fanatical devotion to the Pope... 

No, I'll start again...

(lyrical, yet stately instrumental music plays as we pan across a magical landscape...)

Nestled between the majestic saguaros, the adorable hedgehog cactus, the commonly-known prickly-pear cactus, and the many other cacti of the Sonoran Desert—all pretty much minding their own business—

 dwells the fiendish 

"Jumping" Cholla! 

(Dun Daaaaaaah!)

You may stumble upon a lurking Cholla Forest when you least expect it, so suddenly that you may not have time to realize it has, in fact, found you! This devilish plant stalks its prey carefully before pouncing and devouring you with its spines, pulling you ever closer to its large beaked mouth that lies between the many tentacles of its lethal spines...

No, still too silly!

So, there are actually several types of cholla (CHOY-uh), but they are all members of the genus Cylindropuntia (which means they have cylindrical stems, not flat ones, like the prickly pear). 





The "true" jumping cholla is the hanging chain cholla ----->



 ...but none of them actually jump, exactly. 

(More about that in a minute.)

All chollas will aggressively try to hitchhike on your skin or clothes (ouch!), 

so I am just going to talk about my favorite cholla... the Teddy bear Cholla!

   Very fuzzy and cute!!

Just like a bedful of teddies. Awww...

Wait, are those things getting closer?

The Teddy Bear Cholla's scientific name is Cylindropuntia bigelovii, 

which translates to Bigelow's Round Stem, but come on, people, you know you'd pronounce that second part "Big Lovey," right?

That up there's a garden of Big Lovey Teddy Bears.

It sounds so cuddly!

So, what makes these things so feared, anyway? 

It's not like they're poisonous or anything...

Well, no, but let's take a close-up look at those spines:

Just a little closer...

"Spine2" by Nebarnix - Own work. Licensed under CC BY-SA 3.0 via Wikimedia Commons - http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Spine2.jpg#mediaviewer/File:Spine2.jpg

Still closer...

That's close enough!

Yikes! Those things have backward barbs! It's a miracle anyone ever gets them out!

And as if that's not bad enough, chollas don't only have spines‚ they also have glochids, tiny, fine prickles that are hard to see and even harder to get out. You guessed it—they have backwards barbs too. Yeah. 

Pro Tip: 

spread Elmer's glue over them, top with gauze, leave for 30 mins, then rip off gauze

Lots o' glochids next to just a few spines

Here's more on Chollas, the myth of their mobility, and what to do about them...

...here's a famous actor who encounters them while trying to be a smarty-pants adventurer...

...and here's what we call a flat-out disaster. Oh, the Humanity!

Don't be this guy.

There are a few animals that appreciate the cholla for the protection it offers them against predators. For example, the Cactus Wren (Arizona's state bird) makes its nest deep within this prickly hideaway...

 

But my advice for you, my little Living Room Wrens, is to simply turn your back and 

RUN AWAY!!!!!

Even the mighty Desert-Serpent flees the wily Cholla.